I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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