Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How does one acquire holy water?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
