Pants 0. Shit 1.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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