This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
