so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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