my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
