So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
