just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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