I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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