fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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