Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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