im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
