We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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