we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
