I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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