did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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