I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
