When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
