Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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