Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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