She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
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my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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