Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
