I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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