mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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