u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
