Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
