I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
