I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
