wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
