WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
