Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
