i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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