she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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