either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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