so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
