We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm always down for nudity.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize