He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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