She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
