Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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