so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
