so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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