He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
