Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
