We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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