My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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