Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
