All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
