All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
