So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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