holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
