plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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