Taylor Swift is so right about you.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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