who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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