I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
how drunk are you?
Several
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
