So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
