Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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