Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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