It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
