I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
